Today I tried to make:
peace with my failed to-do list...
Ok here we go...I'm trading in my paint brush for a keyboard today. A little journaling therapy to work some things out. Not the most creative writing I've done, but in the moment it's necessary. My husband is not home to give me one of his awesome pep talks and if I don't figure this out, I may implode. Well, maybe not, but my weekend will be spent unproductively bashing myself over my lack of motivation.
Every year around this time, I have this strange anxiety that creeps in. It's the end of August. Summer is nearly over. My reprieve from a hectic schedule is nearing an end. I check my summer to-do list and realize that, oops, I've failed to do most of it......Shocker!
You see this summer I had intended on reinventing myself. That's all. I planned on using my extra free time to take my dreamy ideas and turn them into action steps towards my goals- work goals, work out goals, super duper house wifey goals. You name it, it was on the list. Somewhere along the way (probably a week after the list was made), I slipped into that easy feeling of summer and started doing whatever I felt like doing in the moment, totally shrugging off my self-imposed responsibilities. Self-discipline was not on the agenda. Self-care and soul-searching settled in for a nice long stay instead. The whole idea of self-discipline was not meshing well with my pledge to "be gentle with myself."
When I consider what I focused my energy on this summer, other than tutoring, (and the 77 days I've logged to prove it,) I feel I accomplished exactly what I was supposed to. I spent my summer (unintentionally) getting my head straight about the importance of granting myself creative time and giving myself permission to take time to reflect on daily life through art and writing. These are not things I was very successful with working into my schedule before and now I've built a habit of it. That should go a long way towards my creative goals. Since part of my reinvention of self was to help me feel more like an artist and a writer, I suppose I wasn't completely off.
So why the guilty feelings?!!! Why the sudden need to catch up on all the other things I was supposed to get done to make up for it? Should I admit that my priorities shifted and just accept that? Did I actually follow my intuition for the better? Was I not clear on what I really wanted to do to begin with? Do I have unreasonable expectations for myself? Am I seriously lazy and hopelessly undisciplined? (I have big dreams of creating all kinds of amazing things for myself, but they are not going to get done if I keep flaking on my to-do lists!) Or...my greatest fear after investing all this energy...Could it be that deep down I still don't value the creative time I've given myself?! What kind of hypocrite would I be if I can't even practice what I preach?
Ok, do you see why I'm in need of a pep talk?
Is this why people hire life coaches? Are there any life coaches out there who would be willing to trade their insights for a painting or a poem? No such luck, I bet.
So right about now, the part of my brain that likes to beat me up is putting on boxing gloves and taking practice swings in the corner. And there's the rest of me in the other corner, just being told of the impending battle. I fear I am not up to my fighting weight. I've been sleeping in and eating ridiculous amounts of ice cream all summer!
I'm really hoping that by getting this out of my head and into my journal that I can avoid the onslaught of self-sabotaging thoughts that usually follow my shortcomings. It's not like I can't just chock it up to a necessary detour on my path and pick up with my list where I left off, right? Right?!
I think maybe tomorrow, after my ears stop ringing from the punches that little bully in me managed to get in, I should sit down and reevaluate my goals and priorities.