Today I made:
sense of things in a dream...
In my dream early this morning, I am sitting alone in my living room admiring the clean, peaceful state of things, feeling satisfied that all is in place. Then I begin to get an anxious feeling, like I've forgotten to do something. I go to my bedroom art space and there I find
myself...the four-year old version of me, that is. She is sitting in a chair at my art table, bare feet dangling far from the floor. She looks up at me and smiles and begins to speak
in my own adult voice, in fluent English. (English was my second language. I only spoke Polish at the age of four). My dream self is not very startled by this, as if I expected her to be there.
"Where have you been?" she asks. "Why have you stayed away so long?"
I try to reply and my voice catches in my throat, sounding high and child-like, "I've been here. I'm here every day."
"But when will you come back to play?" she asks and her eyes turn to my art table, which I notice for the first time is laid out with paints and brushes and a bare canvas.
I feel a pang of guilt and remorse, like I've let her down, and I try to explain in the same strained voice. "I've been working through some things. It's hard to fit in creative time and stay inspired when there are so many other things to do. I'm dealing with my inner critic and trying to move past some blocks. I'm sorry. I'm trying to hurry, but it takes time. You don't understand what it's like."
She continues, in my voice, with words wise beyond her years, "What do you mean? All these things are part of your journey. You can't avoid them. They are not slowing you down for nothing. You have to live the struggles. You have to experience them and find ways to overcome them, so you can
teach the process to others. Don't you understand? This is the way it has to be. Learn it so you can teach it.
Instantly, it all makes sense, as if I've known it all along (because, deep down, I have). I start crying because I know she is right and I am relieved to hear her say that all these things I'm feeling are normal and natural and right.
She jumps off the chair, walks over to me, takes my hand and kisses it. Then she proceeds to climb into the bed and under the covers for a nap. I turn to leave the room and close the door behind me. At the same moment,
in real life, my husband opens the bedroom door and I wake up. I have real tears streaming down my cheek. It all feels so true and so close.
I lay there in the dark for a while. I am both overwhelmed with emotion and at peace with the state of things. Thanks to my inner child, and the answers she brings me in dreams, I have more clarity on my direction and a stronger understanding of my place on the path. I know I'm headed in the right direction and I need to be patient. Everything on this journey is valuable. I need to live every part of the process fully so I can teach from experience, so I can have authentic answers. Because deep down I know...
I want to be an artist and I want to be a teacher of the creative process.
I fall back asleep and don't remember my dreams after that, but this dream I can never forget.
